i don't need your authority

[no longer dead post]

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 23:33:53 GMT

Unlike Dio, Tona doesn't feel weighed down when returning from the dead; instead, he's up and about, jittery and driven by a nervous paranoia he can't quite shake. The shock of the death and the return haven't completely abated yet, and he's looking, almost frantically, for something he can't name. He's walking around, picking things up, moving them, touching the walls, and occasionally putting his hand to his pocket for another cigarette, lighting it with the end of the last one and smoking it in hopes that it'll calm him down a little. For all his pacing, though, he never makes it out of the room he's in, because he's trying to keep in mind that it's more likely someone will find him than he'll find them, especially when he's this wound up.

It's hard to say how he might react to anyone else right now, beyond a little histrionically, though it's easy to predict that he will be relieved to see almost anyone he knows.

Blog entry

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 08:18:20 GMT

Don’t you ever remember being a baby, maybe stuffed into a car seat or on a blanket on the den floor with a bunch of blocks, and your parents’ radio station or CDs on in the background? Whatever your folks listened to—Nina Simone, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Aaron Copland, Billie Holiday, Sid Vicious, whatever—do you remember listening to their music and thinking how strange it was, how unusual the feelings in the lyrics were, how weird that a person would be writing all this stuff down or, as I thought when I was little, sitting in front of a live audience you find yourself a part of and just seeing the world in your song gush out like, shit, like a baby from the womb or some kind of viscous ectoplasm in a science-fiction space-time fabric rift, strange and intriguing and somewhat frightening artifacts from another world?

My dad listened to everything, and by the time I could sit up straight and hold my mouth shut so I didn’t bubble on the keys he had me learning the piano. I did get pretty good at it—hell, I love the piano, it’s still my main instrument and I get my extra cash playing a little in the occasional nightclub. Or at least I get a free-of-charge illegal bad beer, and I get the cash teaching some of the coolest little kids in the world their moms’ favorite songs, complete with hopeless finger arrangement. I learned by listening to pick out the melodies and harmonies in my dad’s music and sing the lyrics while I played, and hey, for a little kid I didn’t sound bad. But the songs were still so alien to me—I mean, there’s a videotape of me sitting at Dad’s baby grand at age 5, playing Billy Joel’s “Got to Begin Again” and looking really confused.

Well, the lyrics didn’t make sense. When I heard the doors I first thought “You know that I would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar” had something to do with cookie jars or broken windows during baseball games. So I just started making up my own words. The music still made sense, at least, it could still make you feel a certain way and you could still tell when it was right and wrong. So I made up my own lyrics to the songs and sang them overtop the recorded musicians’ versions. As I kept this up I played around with the music a little, at first just switching keys or adding harmony but it kept going. I remember once I started off with the Beatles’ “Help!” and ended up with a six-year-old’s epic rock ballad about winning the gym class kickball tournament.

I just never gave it up. Around fifth grade you stop playing with your Godzilla figurines and turn in your Spider-Man outfit, but to me songs still seemed cool. My taste turned out to be good and I got my first offer to join a rock band when I was 13. Lesbian Budgies was looking for a lead singer.

I took it. We never even got off the ground. Even the band geeks at school had no clue who we were. But we played and had fun—we sucked, though, I remember that—and from this shitty middle school band came the friends I’d have for the next several years: the pot-smoking music geeks who had no qualms being on the highest precipice over the gaping chasm of danger, whether they were playing with homemade hang-gliders or yelling out requests for “Freebird” at a Metallica reunion tour. I learned a lot from those fucking maniacs.

It was my delightfully unbounded friends who took me to my first Battle of the Bands, who were with me when I stagedived and got arrested by security at Cold Summer, who taught me how to sneak booze into an all-ages show, who stood outside with their ears pressed against the dressing-room door when I lost my virginity to Cassy Wickham, the bassist for Cranium Juice, who were there to hold my hair after I puked up alcohol and jism at the Quoth concert. My high school years, being in rock bands and constantly watching rock bands, were an awesome period of my life.

Except for one thing.

When I was there onstage playing, when I knew I’d be taking this thing I wrote onstage and opening my mouth and putting it out for people, I got disturbed. It wasn’t stage fright or modesty—anyone who thinks I suffer from either ailment is free to watch me engage in public sex acts—it just felt too damn weird. It felt like I’d do it wrong. I wrote the song. I wrote the first incarnation of the music, most of the time, and reworked it with the bands’ concerns, but singing it—shit, me singing my own music was completely wrong, I realized.

I needed to think of it a different way, be less of a blowhard about the stuff I wrote and go back to being a kid in a car seat and letting other people do the same. Let it be new for everyone who heard it. Stop being a Nazi about your songs’ meanings, Tona, and let some other people put their spin on it.

I quit my last band when I was 17, but I kept writing—everywhere. I sold three songs when I was 18, to upstarts who never made it nationally but drew crowds locally, and an indie band I’d been writing for signed onto EMI when I was 19 and took one of my songs with them. It’s not the most popular song on their album, but hey, people’ve heard it. And they still want some stuff from me.

Now I’m 20 and I’m still doing what I love. I’m not living off of it but I’m making money I’m proud of and I’m making music even more so. And the world seems to like it. I know I’m a braggart, but my music is the one thing I think I deserve to compliment about myself. You can disregard my family, my experience, my personality, my looks, or my cock size, but my music, my music’s fucking good. My music is the best part of me. Every once in a while I’ll get an offer to join a band, but I’ll never do that again—I’m not in charge of the music. I’m just the baby in the car seat writing for all the other babies in the car seats, ripping the continuum and spreading ectoplasm from my life all around for everyone to see.

Typist: I couldn't decide whether to post this in my ficjournal or here. Tona insisted that he wrote it, however, and therefore into his blog it goes. Visible to whoever wants to read it.

You asked, I told. Except you didn't ask.

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 17:27:59 GMT

*When you were... (6-17 yrs.)*
Use estimates for your age. Skip section if you're not that age yet.
6 years old...
Did you have a best friend? Who?:	Lin. I guess he's still kind of my best friend in that we-grew-up-together way.
Did you have a birthday party?:	Yeah! What's the use of turning six if you can't do pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?
Where did you live?:	With Mom and Dad, separately. Olympus was kind of overwhelming, gods everywhere and everything, and I was kind of scared of it.
Was there anything you did that annoyed people?:	Shit, do you really think that's a recent development?
Did you have a favorite TV show?:	Probably Muppets reruns or something like that.
Did you wake up really, really early?:	Before six every day. My dad hated me.
10 years old...
What school did you go to?:	I was in 5th grade in Eagle Heights Elementary, and I ruled the school.
What music did you listen to, if any?:	Everything. That was when Dad was really into European continental folk music, so a lot of that by default, but also a lot of classic rock and stuff he wrote.
What did you do after school?:	I played a lot of piano and soccer.
How did you have your hair?:	On my head? Cut however my mom or dad wanted? I was ten for Christ's sake.
Who were your closest friends?:	Still Lin, and Ollie at school. We kicked ass at kickball together.
Who was your teacher?:	I can't remember if it was Mrs. White or Ms. Gustafson that year.
12 years old...
Did you have glasses by this age?:	I still don't have glasses.
Did you live in the same city you did when you were 6?:	I didn't live in a city when I was six. But I hadn't moved.
Who did you hang out with?:	Tia, Teides, Tori, Lin, and Harvey and Boyce. Ollie had moved away.
What kind ofclothes did you wear?:	Oh, shit... I wore a lot of really cheap shit that was popular then. I looked like I was trying to sell low-quality crack in the 'hood.
Did you still have a birthday party?:	Yeah, but not like I did when I was six. This was a big-kid birthday party with big-kid games, like Mortal Kombat.
Did you have an allowance?:	$20 a week. More than I get now.
15 years old...
Did you have a cell phone?:	Yeah. My dad used it to text me. That's the only reason we have phones, really.
What kind of music did you listen to?:	Still classic rock, and also all the punk rock around here. I started going to concerts when I was 13 or 14.
How much homework did you get?:	A lot, but I never did it.
What did you do after school?:	I'd go over to my girlfriend or boyfriend du jour's house and hang out and smoke pot, then go to a concert.
Did you swear a lot?:	More than I do now.
Did you get a myspace?:	That site is like so 2006.
17 years old...
Did you get your driver's license?:	When I was 16, yeah.
Where do you hang out?:	Dad's, a lot, because all my friends by this time are music freaks and like it there with all the instruments.
Have you done drugs by this age?:	I had gotten so fucked up by this point.
Are you still friends with the same people when you were 10?:	With Lin, yeah.
Do you wear the same style clothes you did when you were 12?:	Shit, no. I actually had, like, taste by this point.
Did you celebrate your 17th birthday?:	There was the handing-over of the car and there may or may not have been discos.
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[open post]

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:57:14 GMT

*because it's been a few days since, Tona's cleaned himself off thoroughly and stepped out of the shower, intending to shave and dress and put on fresh eyeliner and go on with his life-- however (devils and damnation!), he had set his clothes down to rest on top of the toilet and found them fallen in, sopping wet.

he's doing what anyone would do in his situation: standing in the hallway with his wet clothes on a hook, towel around his waist, dripping wet, and attempting to dry them with a hair dryer.

anyone at all, feel free to help or humiliate him.*

More detail. (Meme!)

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 05:20:26 GMT

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long to watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight at recess
33. Photocopied a body part on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen an eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit 3 wks of studying into 3 days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job
51. Taken care of someone who was drunk
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbed
60. Cheated on your taxes
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a goat
69. Alphabetized your CD collection
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Went Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Had your mom read your journal
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted a major river
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug (Well, it's pot and it's not addiction. But I was smoking at least one cigarette a day when I was 17.)
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music on your home computer
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Been onstage at a concert
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did (Hi Mom.)
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once?
135. Held your breath the length of the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 50 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
142. Had a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. ...below the belt?
156. Smoked a cigarette
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Been to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Been in a music video
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read them
182. Dined in a restaurant and stole silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten caught?
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who you didn't know
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Been dumped online
199: Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
200: Been arrested
201: Been in two places at once
202: Found the perfect cup of coffee
203: Kissed a boy
204: Kissed a girl
205: Been in a racecar
206: Gone Surfing
207: Been in a band
208: Ran a marathon
209: Reunited with a long lost friend/lover
210: Read the bible from cover to cover